I’ve lost track of how many times people have said, “I don’t know how you manage with six kids!” The truth is, I actually don’t handle everything all the time. That’s one of the big lessons motherhood has taught me and it inspired a simple rule that makes life a lot easier for us.
Out of necessity, my kids quickly learned to do plenty of things by themselves. It was never possible for me to do it all for them. In this piece, I want to share a guideline that has helped me reduce stress and nurture independence in my kids, along with some examples of how it works for us. Each family is different, so there are exceptions, and it may not suit everyone.
When I first became a mom, I did a lot for my kids because it was simply quicker and easier. With my first child and even when the second one came along, I could still manage everything. It was often easier to unload the dishwasher myself than to teach them, or to dress them rather than wait for them to choose mismatched outfits. (Eventually, we smartened up and used capsule wardrobes to fix the mismatching problem.)
But as they grew and my responsibilities increased, I realized this approach wasn’t sustainable and it contradicted my goal of raising independent adults. Doing everything for them was manageable when they were little, but it wouldn’t be suitable later on.
I understood that I needed to teach them skills as soon as they were capable of doing things on their own. By doing things they could manage by themselves, I was adding unnecessary stress to my life and not helping them in the long run. Giving my kids opportunities to learn and become self-sufficient granted them more freedom.
Each child is different, so ability and maturity vary. Some of mine took on certain responsibilities earlier than others, often surprising me with how quickly they learned. For example, one of my daughters started doing her own laundry at five years old and has continued ever since.
As I let go of tasks my kids could handle, another wonderful thing happened: our family developed a team mentality, and they felt proud of contributing.
I found many similarities between managing a business team and raising a family. I had succeeded in business, but I needed to apply those skills at home. Before adopting this approach, I came close to a breakdown from trying to run everything in my head, unlike the organized systems I had at work.
Shifting to a team-based family setup was transformative. When I was doing everything and solving problems for the kids, I was unintentionally signaling that they couldn’t handle things themselves. It was like treating them as long-term guests, not as essential family members.
This approach also incorporates natural consequences. For instance, my kids manage their own laundry, so if they run out of clean clothes, they learn why keeping up with laundry is important. Similarly, school-aged kids can make their own lunches or handle homework, and if they forget, they face mild consequences like hunger or a bad grade, teaching them to remember next time.
Of course, the instinct to shield our kids from discomfort is strong, but natural consequences can be beneficial long-term. Research indicates that hyper-involvement from parents can lead to anxious children less satisfied with life. When kids play unsupervised, they build social skills, emotional maturity, and executive function.
Despite wishing I could freeze time and keep my kids young, they need preparation for adult life. Natural consequences are a real part of adulthood. For example, speeding can lead to a ticket, or forgetting to pay a bill could mean paying extra. It’s important our kids learn these lessons early on when the stakes are low.
I knew my kids weren’t used to this change, and it wouldn’t happen overnight without some resistance. I embraced a process for easing this transition. Initially, just telling them to do these tasks wasn’t enough, so I implemented a four-step hand-off:
1. Explain how to do a task.
2. Show them step-by-step.
3. Watch as they try it themselves.
4. Let them do it independently.
It took me time to understand that it was better to have shared responsibilities and a bit of imperfection than to do it all myself and get stressed. While I realized I could accomplish tasks better, I couldn’t possibly handle everything alone without compromising my own well-being and their growth into independent individuals.
Encouraging effort over outcomes became crucial. I didn’t want my kids to fear trying new things if they couldn’t be perfect right away. Failure is part of the learning process, and I aimed to praise their hard work rather than just outcomes.
While it might sound like I’m completely hands-off, I’m still a mom who finds joy in doing things for my kids, just with a better understanding of long-term goals.
Tasks appropriate for each age vary, so it’s about figuring out what’s suitable for each child in your home. Some examples from my experience include:
Ultimately, our shared goal is to raise kind, capable adults who positively contribute to society. This guideline has significantly helped our family, and I’m optimistic it’s preparing my kids for the future. I also found the book “How to Raise an Adult” really insightful, and I recommend it if you want to explore this idea further.
How do you approach this in your family?
