I’ve lost track of how many times people have exclaimed, “I don’t know how you manage everything with six kids!” Honestly, the secret is… I don’t, at least not everything, and certainly not all the time. Motherhood has taught me several lessons, and one of the most important is a simple rule that makes life easier for all of us.
Out of necessity, my kids learned early on to do things independently. I realized I couldn’t do everything for them, even if I tried. In this piece, I’m sharing a personal guideline I follow that has reduced my stress and encouraged my kids to be more independent. I’ll also provide some examples of how this works for our family. Keep in mind, every family is unique, and there are exceptions, so this might not work for everyone.
When I was a new mom, I did much more for my children because it seemed easier. With my first and even my second child, I could handle everything. It was simpler to unload the dishwasher than to teach them how to do it, or to dress them quickly instead of letting them take forever and end up in mismatched clothes. Eventually, we solved that with capsule wardrobes for the kids.
As my responsibilities grew, I realized this approach wasn’t sustainable. More importantly, I understood that my goal was to raise adults, not adult-size children. While doing their chores and laundry wasn’t a big deal when they were young, it would become a problem later on.
I figured out the best time to teach them these skills was as soon as they were capable. I noticed I was doing tasks for them that they could handle themselves. This was not only an additional burden for me, but it also wasn’t beneficial for them in the long run. So, I decided to give them the freedom and chance to learn these skills on their own.
Every child is different in terms of ability and maturity. Some of my kids picked up certain tasks earlier than others, sometimes surprising me with their ability to learn at a young age. For example, one of my daughters learned to do her laundry when she was five and has been doing it ever since.
As I shifted my mindset and released tasks to my children, something wonderful happened—it fostered a team spirit in our family, and they felt proud to contribute. I realized families and business teams have a lot in common. While I had mastery over managing a business team, I needed to apply those skills at home.
Years ago, when my stress levels were at their highest and I hadn’t integrated this system into my family life, I was close to a breakdown. At Wellness Mama, I had a fantastic team, with goals and systems ensuring smooth operations, so I rarely felt work-related stress. At home, however, I tried to juggle all schedules and household tasks myself, mostly from memory. Unlike effective business systems, I was winging it at home, leading to stress.
The change was life-altering. My family began functioning as a team, each person handling tasks they were capable of, which alleviated my stress. When I managed everything myself, I was unknowingly sending my kids the message that they couldn’t do it on their own, treating them as permanent guests rather than team members.
This method also naturally incorporates consequences. For example, my kids manage their laundry, and if they run out of clean clothes, they understand the importance of keeping up with laundry. Most school-age kids can make their lunches or do their homework, and if they forget, they learn from temporary hunger or a bad grade to remember next time.
I understand the instinct to protect our kids from discomfort, but experiencing natural consequences can be beneficial long term. Here’s what I’ve realized: A significant number of young adults struggle to integrate into adult life, often living with their parents. Studies indicate that children with overly involved parents experience more anxiety and less satisfaction. Meanwhile, children who play unsupervised learn valuable social skills and emotional maturity.
Even if I sometimes wish I could freeze time, my children are growing up and need to be prepared for adulthood. As adults, we face natural consequences daily, like traffic tickets or interest charges for late payments. Our children should learn from such consequences early on when the stakes are not as high.
When I decided to stop doing tasks my kids could manage, I discovered they weren’t accustomed to this change. It wouldn’t happen overnight or without resistance. Humorously, I likened it to running a pirate ship—there’d be some mutiny, but I knew a process was necessary for an easier transition. Through trial and error, I developed a system:
Initially, I knew I couldn’t simply tell them to start doing new tasks without equipping them with the skills and confidence to succeed. I used a four-step hand-off strategy.
Why was I trying to do everything myself? I thought I was better at it and didn’t want imperfect results. But I realized having tasks done, even imperfectly, through shared responsibility was better than doing it all myself and being constantly stressed. I learned this in business too: after hiring people, I needed to allow them to do their jobs instead of assuming I could do better.
At home, while I could initially do tasks better than my kids, doing everything came at the cost of being a calm and happy mom, and at the expense of them learning independence. Sure, some shirts were sacrificed, and stains lingered longer, but in the long run, it was worth it!
As my kids mastered new tasks, I focused on encouraging effort, not just outcomes. I didn’t want them to fear trying new things just because they might not excel initially. I hope they learn that failure is often part of the process and become unafraid of it.
Giving practical praise for their hard work and persistence is essential. Carol Dweck’s research on the “growth mindset” is a great resource for learning how to encourage a positive mindset.
I still love doing things for my kids occasionally, but I’m more focused on our long-term goals. The specific age-appropriate tasks will vary per child, and I suggest creating a list of tasks necessary at home and deciding which ones your kids can handle at what age.
Here are some examples from my experience, though you can certainly add your own:
Ultimately, our shared goal is likely to raise kind adults who positively impact society. This approach has greatly benefited our family, and I hope it’s preparing my kids for life. If you’re interested in further reading, I recommend the book “How to Raise an Adult.”
What do you think? How do you manage this with your family?
